I've found a friend who died for me

I feel guilty and I'm sorry for letting you done, for not doing my best, for continuing on with my mistakes... You don't deserve all these crap and I'm sorry for taking you for granted, I should know better.. I feel like breaking out in tears, I feel like crap and I don't know what the hell I'm doing . And seriously , I'm going up and down all the time now . "You can hae emotions but you cannot be emotional" And I agree with Gideon and I feel super emotional these few days .

It's been ages since I've blogged but anyway , many things happened , people come and people go , issit for the better ? I don't know , what I do know that , it's heart-breaking to see people go , I feel like it's my fault cause I didn't do anything to stop it , or maybe I made it worst , maybe I was the one who caused them to cross over the line and never come back . Why do people leave ? I wish I knew , I feel sorry and not only do I feel sorry but guitly for not doing my best to have saved her . It was my fault for neglecting her , for not having the spirit of excellence and now , she's gone . I'm responsible for many of the people who have walked away , why was I so selfish ? I feel as if there's too many people and I can't catter to every single one of their needs . Issit that there's not enough time in the world , or issit that I can't find time ? I told myself that I would manage my time better but I don't know if it's getting better or worst . There's so many things to be done and I just want to do them all , chase all my dreams and at the same time , I'm able to serve God . I can't remember the last time I went out with non-believers and in really plan and go out with them . I feel disconnected from the world that people live without God , I feel that I need to bring them over to God's world , with God's poeple and with everything so good you know ? I need a break but I don't think I can , if I have a break , everything becomes chaos and I'll be behind schedule...

Goal : Find the balance .

Wow.. So many projects, so much has happened... I'm feeling super drained out and stressed ! But I know I can't give up now since I've gone such a long way and NEA is about to start restructure tomorrow . And Usher Ministry also going through restructure , I'm still stuck with Wenzhen... Weird lor ! Anyway , manage to spend time with Wenzhen on Saturday morning . Had informal and formal shepherding at Macs . Yeah , and Jie Fang accepted Christ that day ! XD Not only her but also Sherlyn and Clain(Sorry , I've got no clue how to spell his name) . Super happy for them ! Anyway , so appearently Saturday's service was suppose to be the last one as a whole team . I just wished they would have mentioned earlier , SO SAD CAN ?! Yeah , so people come and go... Really want to thank God for Alvina , she has been a great support to me , given me verses and kept reminding me of God . Thanks !

Goal: Don't give up;

This week overall has been AWESOME-EST week as of now , it hasn't been as tiring as the past weeks and I gained quite a lot . I'm too lazy to go into details so yeah , Friday's prayer meet was awesome , felt my burdens lifted up and Saturday's service also awesme-er , enjoyed serving and the preaching was the exact same thing I'm facing so I guess God is giving me a clear solution . Still get tired out easily but still trying my best to serve an awesome GOD !

Goal : Change my ways;

Saturday felt weird without going for service.. So slacked like the whole day ? Nothing much happened . Well , the only thing that did happen was the 'fight' I had with my father , okay , I wouldn't call it a fight though... Okay this was what went down , he was asking everyone to go see some motivate video ? Then , I was telling myself , no one could motivate me but God and I was already motivated . Then I asked him what was it about , then he kept saying just come , then I just wanted to know what I was going to see right ? I was just curious , I mean if it's crap why would I want to waste my time watching it ? I wanted to know specificially what I was watching . Then , he suddenly snapped , shouted 'keep quiet' and slammed the door behind him . And I was like , 'WHAT?! I just wanted to know what then you just out of the blue freaked out?!' . Okay , yes I was wrong but I mean you couldn't even tell me what was it about ? Yeah , it takes two hands to clap but I mean I just wanted to rest , I'm so beat out by the whole week and I just didn't feel like wasting my time watching some crappy video . Okay , I did feel bad , a tad guilty but I mean... Never mind , I admit I'm wrong . Anyway , had English tuition just now , was alright I guess , normal , typical , just a few new students that's all . And I'm sadded about not being able to go for service and I was suppose to serve this week , so sad can , my first combined service then I missed it . Oh well , never mind . After tuition , ate and did my homework , still left Maths , BORING , seriously , the first question and I didn't even understand what they were talking about . -.- So anyway , my tongues seem to sound weirder and less chim ? Yeah... I want to go shopping , -SIAN- .
Goal : Get everything done

So full of joy ! I finally got my tongues ! Like on 14/1/10 , thanks a lot Sunny ! I think Sunny is really awesome , I think it was his faith in us that helped me believe in myself too . Haha and he not only help me but Wan Xin , Geok Leng , Vivien and Jolene ! So cool right ?! I just feel like speaking in tongues every second ! Haha , and lifegroup atmosphere was also AWESOME , although attendance was low , everyone's spirit was high and God's presece was overwhelming . School has been okay ? Tiring but okay , I still keep forgetting stuffs . Anyway , just came back from NE sports day , Ruiyong was teaching about friendship evangelism , he said that , life is precious and that we don't need a near death exprience nor a friend dying to know that , and that we should never waste another moment because you'll never know when we'll die and our friends' and also family and can you imagine , you were wanting to share Christ with your friend then decided not to then , the next moment you know , she/he's dead . And you'll totally regret it . And he also mentioned we shouldn't have the mentality that 'oh maybe someone else will share Christ with her/him ma , need not worry' . But then what if you were the only one in the whole person's life to share Christ with her/him ? I totally agree but I don't know what's stopping me , I guess , I'm not even at the S.O.W the O---> Open stage yet and I'm scared I'll loose the contact just like that . And not everyone wants to know God , it's hard to say you know , people have different mind sets and they live according to different values and live for the wrong reasons . How I wonder what it's like to have a world where everyone worship God . The world would be such a better place . It's really sad to hear of people who suicide cause they care about something else more than they'll life , the life God gave them and the life that His song Jesus died for them . Well , I guess God has His reasons for everything . Still trying to not think about guys , 'Why did you have to cycle pass me ? And why did you have to look at me ? And why did that moment seem to have slowed down ?' GUYS SUCK , DON'T DISTRACT ME !
Goal : Be more decissive